i tink my life's reali in a mess rite now. i'm gettin myself in more n more prob. probably i'm jus tryin to make myself numb.

i'm not goin to shop when i so feel like goin. tt's e only place on earth that i feel comfortable at. but yet.. i dun wanna bring my prob dere along wif me. not being able to perform my best n take e same pay is unfair to tony. n dere's ppl who care for me dere. i dun wan my prob to become theirs.

at home, i duno wat my mum wants. i'm tryin hard to please her le. but she's still not. she wan me to get rid of ace i did. she wan me to concentrate on my studies, i tried. she wan me to eat more, i m tryin aso. but still, e shoutin, e cryin, e hurtin goes on. i'm afraid to go home. my home n i'm draggin myself back. tt's so sad. i jus sat at e void deck sometimes. till i'm ready to face everything again. reach home, go to my room, with her scoldin goin on n on outside my door. she's my mum, i love her. i reali do. i know she loves me too.

bout bgr, wat's not my, i try not to tink bout it anymore. though e memories r still hauntin me at nite. bout all e other 4 guys tt r interested in me.. Gabriel, Varian, Terry, Chris. all r great guys. tt's when e prob come. i dun wan to hurt anyone of them. though i can b a bitch n carry on, but tis is not me. i cant do tt.


Gabriel tries very hard to b dere for me. i know he's tryin very hard. i know he reali care. but yet, we're so diff in so many ways. n i know tt he's worried bout e other guys tt r interested in me. i dun wan him to b unhappy when he's wif me. when ever i'm down, he wld pei me. reali appreciate tt. love ya for tt.

Varian is a nice chap too. fun to b wif. reali knows how to make me smile even wif jus words. though i'm quite insecure bout wat he reali wan n feel but i'm gettin a clearer pic le. thx for always listenin to my prob, chattin on e fone wif me jus to wait for me to fall asleep. thx for tt too. *hugs*

Terry is a guy who has went thru alot. a retired beng. haha.. he always tell me, happy can le. but he still loves his x, yet he duno whether to get back. contradicting himself. i noe he's not serious bout me yet. i'm least worried bout hurtin him. but still wanna thx him for sittin late at nite at coffee shop wif me to jus talk. reali nice talkin wif him.

Chris is a guy who's lookin for a long term relationship. tt's wat i wan. yet, he's owaes busy, tired, he's like not even tryin. he likes me yea, but if he cant b dere for me, wat for. still thx for sendin me to momo tt nite though i like gif u e wrong direction n we go ridin round singapore. haha..

bottomline---> i duno wat to do. i jus pray to Him. hope He'll show me a way out. if He brings me to it, He'll bring me thru it. but i duno how long more i can last. with all e sleepless nite, endless drinkin n smokin, loss of appetite. i hope my body can take it.